Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This baby is an asshole
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
