You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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