Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
