On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
