how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
