I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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