70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
