kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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