Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
