Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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