I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
