Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
