well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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