you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I enjoy the company of your penis
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
