who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
