There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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