he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
