Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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