I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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