I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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