I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
