now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize