there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
