everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
