Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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