does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I could make wine with my vomit
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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