I cannot find my penis.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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