Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize