Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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