No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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