Kiss
Puke
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
