My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize