when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
