Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
