I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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