You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
