I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
where are my eyebrows?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
