im about as happy as oj after his trial
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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