Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize