I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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