he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
