Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
