please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
