Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
