If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize