I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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