Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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