if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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