Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You were trust falling into bushes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
