You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
