we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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