I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
