I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
