i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
