THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Shame is for Republicans.
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