I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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