did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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