Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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