Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
