So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
