"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
