...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
