you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
